How do you ask for forgiveness if someone won’t even talk to you?

When you make a mistake and hurt someone you care about, it takes some distance for both of you to heal. But when a heartfelt apology or even a thoughtful gift sent to their door meets nothing but silence, how do you begin to repair that connection? Several of our clients shared different ideas on how to reach out to someone who is unwilling to reach back, and here’s what they had to say:

Be Both Thoughtful and Creative

When you have a relationship that’s been strained due to an offense on your part, it’s best to ask for forgiveness quickly. If the other person refuses to communicate with you, the best strategy is to be both thoughtful and creative. Here are a few ideas to let them know how genuinely remorseful you are:

• write and mail a handwritten letter expressing your apologies and desire to be forgiven
• send a personal gift that is meaningful to the receiver with a note asking for forgiveness
• create and send a video of your sincere apology and hope that you’ll be forgiven
• create a large sign asking for forgiveness and leave it in their front yard
• call their cell phone and leave a genuine message saying you’re sorry and you hope they can forgive you

There are probably a hundred ways you could communicate your regret and request for forgiveness when the other person is not willing to engage. The important thing is to be sincere and thoughtful, will a little bit of creativity added in to get their attention.

Asking for Forgiveness?

Two words: You Don’t. My approach to forgiveness is a bit different than others. In my opinion, forgiveness is first and foremost an inside job.

When you have unintentionally hurt someone, feeling the regret of it, desiring forgiveness and closure, it’s natural to want their forgiveness. But if they won’t talk to you, chasing that external validation is a fool’s errand.

Why do you really want their forgiveness? You want permission for having made a mistake. Because you want to feel better about yourself.

It’s not about them – it’s about you.

You want the feeling that you weren’t as bad of a person as you are currently judging yourself to be. That’s not them beating you up, it’s you. And the more that you focus on not receiving their gift of forgiveness, the less you are probably feeling about your worth as a good human being.

Because you are focused on something outside of your control. They don’t have to forgive you. Their forgiveness is out of your control. Own that and accept it.

You did something wrong, hopefully by accident, now the first person you need to forgive is yourself.

Where do you start?

Well, at any moment in time, we’re all doing the best we can. Sometimes our best may not be stellar in someone else’s eyes. That’s their choice.

Let yourself know that the version of you who made that mistake learned from it (otherwise you wouldn’t be wanting to repair the error), and use that wisdom to help yourself.

You grew from that experience and you now have an opportunity for deep introspection. Take it and become a better version of yourself.

And strangely enough, when you stop beating yourself up, you just might be surprised when that person reaches out to reconnect. It’s funny how that works sometimes.

Opening the Door for Forgiveness

If you have done something wrong that hurt another person, or if they are angry at you for something they perceive that you did and they won’t even talk to you, there are a few things you can do.

First, take the time to analyze the situation and see exactly what your part is. Be objective and try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. Write down a list of things you might have done differently. This will give you a higher perspective.

You can write a letter that is carefully crafted, making sure you offer a full apology without making excuses. State your sincere apology upfront, telling them that you are sorry for what you have done, and acknowledge the error, mistake, or act that hurt or upset them. If you feel the need to explain your actions so they have a better understanding from your point of view, this may help them see your side, opening up the door for forgiveness. Or if you don’t even know why they are upset, you can say that you are sorry if you did something to hurt them and would like to understand what happened because you truly care about them.

Do not blame your actions on them, or anyone else. Take responsibility for your part. The injured person is more likely to keep an open mind if they think you are trying to understand their feelings.

You can also call leaving a voicemail that they can listen to when they are ready. Write out your apology exactly as you state in a letter, and read it word for word when you leave your message so you don’t get off track.

You can talk to a close friend or family member and ask them to pass on a message. Following the above formula of taking time to become aware of your part, and writing down your apology, the next step could be to talk to one of their closest friends or a family member that they respect. Explain that you want to ask forgiveness in hopes of reconciling. See if the intermediary will request a meeting on your behalf so that you can apologize in person and ask if they will stay for the meeting. The injured person may feel better about having a third party there when you first see each other.