Julia Esteve Boyd
Bereavement Etiquette
I’m an Etiquette consultant and I’ve been asked about the topic of grieving quite a lot recently, and I think the ‘rules’ of Etiquette apply here. In other words, just show kindness with your words.
“I am so sorry for your loss,” is the typical reaction that many people use, but it’s a little generic in my opinion. There are many other words you can use to express sympathy. The important thing to remember is to always acknowledge their pain/loss in some way, whether it’s by sharing a memory, letting them know you’re thinking about them, or offering to help. Here are a few of my suggestions:
“I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but I’m thinking about you.”
“You are in my thoughts/prayers.”
“I’m here for you if you need anything.”
“This is such a sad time; I will always hold fond memories of [insert memory].”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you, even if it’s just to listen.”
I’m sorry you are going through this.”
“Is there anything I can do to help you?” (Shopping, helping with children, cooking, etc.)
“How are you? I’m here if you need to talk.”
Saying something is usually better than saying nothing, however depending on the relationship, sometimes a hug will suffice in the initial stages of grief.
Express Your Sympathy
You are not alone if you find yourself speechless during a funeral. The majority of individuals feel uneasy in this scenario. Consider your words before speaking to ensure that you do not say anything you will later regret. The following are some examples of how to express it:
- “There are no words to express my regret. Kindly be assured that you are in our minds and our prayers.”
- “I am heartbroken to learn about your loss. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you feel the need to speak.”
- “John gave such pleasure to everyone he came into contact with. Numerous people will miss him.”
Jennifer Foster
Dora Carpenter
What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
We mean well when offering condolences to someone who is grieving; however, we often say all the wrong things, such as, “I understand how you feel.” It is not our fault, as we live in a grief-avoidance society and are uneducated on the misunderstood topic of grief. Saying less is better than trying to fix or cure someone’s grief.
Here are a few of the best words to say:
• “My condolences on your loss.”
• “I can’t imagine how you feel, but I am here to support you in whatever way I can.”
• “Please know that I care.”
• “We all need support at a time such as this. I am here for you.”
• “I don’t know the right words to help ease your pain or comfort you at this time, but I am keeping you in thought.”
• “This must be a difficult time for you. I am here for you should you wish to talk.”
• “Please know that you (and your family, if applicable) are in my thoughts (and prayers, if applicable).”
Grief Support Can Be Unspoken
In my experience accompanying people through loss as an ordained minister, we talk too much. There can be a sense that you have to say the right thing, but grief is a long journey and the right words to say depend on where someone is in that process. Immediately after someone loses a loved one, you can say something along the lines of:
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I want you to know that I’m here for you. Is there any planning that I can help you with for a memorial service?”
Having a concrete way you’re volunteering to support someone can be helpful as those who are grieving are often overwhelmed. Later on, you might ask if there’s anything they want to share about their loved one. In my experience, people often stop asking how someone is doing after about a month. This can feel isolating for those experiencing grief, who feel their pain is hidden. Make sure to follow up with them.
But silence is also important. We don’t have to say the right thing. Sometimes volunteering to bring over a home-cooked meal, or sitting with a friend can be powerful. Don’t say, “I’m only a phone call away” or “please reach out if you need me.” Instead, take that initiative and demonstrate that you’re there for them. Don’t underestimate the power of presence and accompaniment.
Michael Woolf
Ana De La Cruz
Ana De La Cruz, LMFT at Choosing Therapy.
Don’t Problem-Solve
When someone is grieving any words of support and acknowledgment are welcome. For example:
“The loss of your (mother, father, loved one, etc.) must feel like a deep cut in your heart.”
“You must be completely heartbroken.”
“Wow, I can’t imagine how much this must be hurting right now.”
Then let them know that they can count on you for basic needs. Be specific. Many people say, “I am here for you,” but it’s just a saying. Go into details, like “I would love to visit you in three days and check up on you and help you do your laundry, cook a meal for you or go with you for a walk. Would that be okay with you?” Or, “I know that you are not in the mood right now, but can I call you in a few days to follow up with you? I would like to take you out for lunch so we can talk.”
Generally, and naturally, we humans go into problem-solving all the time when faced with pain. But be aware that there is nothing that you can say that will bring that person back from death or that will heal that pain that their family is going through. Stay away from problem-solving phrases such as, “He is in a better place now” or “you are going to be okay” and don’t ever assure someone of something that you have no control of.
Express Your Concern with a Hug
When someone we love dies, we die of devastation as well. May it be from a sudden loss or an expected one, the pain still lingers, and moving on is extremely difficult. From my experience as a relationship expert, people should be extra cautious with the words they say to a grieving person. The person is like a fragile glass that easily breaks when there is something hard that hits them. Here are some examples of what words to use with a grieving person:
1. “I may not be able to say the right words to ease the pain, but please know that I’m always here.” In this way, you are editing that you don’t know what to do, but you are offering your presence just in case he needs someone to share his sadness with. It is also good because you are just standing by and are not forcing him to do something.
2. Say nothing. Just hug them. By saying nothing and just doing something will make them feel the warmth of your presence. You can express that you care without saying a word, which is more important and sincere.
Michelle Devani
Jessica Ayers
What Not to Say
As a grieving widow, I’ve heard it all. Some of the worst comments were, “He’s in a better place now or “God needed another angel,” or “It was meant to be.” Another bad one was “How are you doing?”
I certainly don’t think that when we are grieving, we want to hear these types of statements. And even though I don’t believe there are any “perfect” words, I do believe that some are better than others.
Here are the words that I feel are best:
1. “You are in my thoughts and prayers (if you know the person is religious).”
2. “I’m here if you ever need to talk, vent, or cry.”
3. “He or she is dearly missed (Or they or them).”
4. “I have no appropriate words.”
5. “I am so sorry for your loss.”
6. “I know you are hurting right now and my heart is with you.”
Ways to Show Empathy
When someone is grieving, it’s easy to say something wrong even when you have the best intentions.
Here are some things you can say to help provide support:
– “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here as a friend to support you with whatever you need.”
– “The moment you need to talk, let me know. Just call or send a text and I’ll be there.”
– “It’s natural to grieve and you have every right to feel this way.”
Aura Priscel
Piyushi Dhir
Back Up Your Words by Being There
Everyone grieves differently and at times there can never be enough words to express your grief. What feels right for one person, might be unhelpful to the next person. Every situation is different, it could be the loss of a child, spouse, pet, and even a miscarriage.
Don’t bring someone else’s loss into the picture and compare it. The best thing to do is to remind yourself that this loss is unique to them. The simplest words and gestures are enough. Avoid cliches and typical phrases. Keep it simple but sincere.
I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing I say will make you feel any better. Just know that I am here for you, whenever you need me.
Simple words that should have meaning. Stand by your word. Grieving doesn’t stop after the funeral is over. The hardest part always comes right after. Make yourself available to the person grieving and be there when they need to cry, talk, or just need a break. Most importantly, check in on them.
It is not always easy to find the most comforting words for a friend or family member, however, acknowledging the loss will mean more.
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